Parent Profile

Alice and Jordan - The new norm: working mama, full-time papa

We first met Alice and Jordan the day after they arrived home from hospital with their little bundle, Charlotte. Lottie, as they call her, is now 16 months old, and the three-member family lives in the building next to ours. They, like us, are in a one-bedroom apartment, and though they admit that they would like more space, they know what is possible; they told me that the woman who was living in the apartment before them had two teenage daughters living with her. The girls had bunk beds in the bedroom, and mom slept in a queen size bed in the living room, where there was also a full-size deep freezer. Oh, and she was home schooling one of her daughters.
 
When I heard that Jordan was going to be staying home with their daughter while Alice went back to work full time, I wanted to know how this arrangement was working for them, what others thought of it and what any challenges were that they have met.
 
Alice, who works at an IT company in town, never expected to not go back to work and has not considered it too much of a sacrifice to go back. She recognizes and appreciates that one parent is working full time and that one is able to be home with their daughter at all times. (She also admits that last summer, when Jordan was working outside the home, she had to do the whole baby-homemaking job and admits that she is not very good at it! She is happy to give up the cleaning-childcare combo.)
 
Jordan is a programmer/IT worker who is able to work from home right now. Thinking of how difficult it is for me to get any work done when our 18-month-old fireball is up and about, I asked him if he is able to do much when Lottie is around. His secret is to change his sleep schedule. He will get out of bed hours before Charlotte does or stay up late after she is asleep to have uninterrupted time to work.
 
Jordan dispelled the myth of the cold, excluding mothers of the playground. He said that most people are very open and welcoming to a father being with his daughter, though he is not immune to the occasional befuddled looks and comments from men in their 50s to 70s or the older generation of women wondering "where's the mom? Are you divorced?" (these women, he says, are often also the "good-for-you" congratulators). As for being snubbed, when asked, he shares that it is very rare.
 
The transition back to work was smooth except for an ill-timed stomach flu that saw Lottie solely nursing for 3 days. The weaning that they had done was suddenly erased on Lottie's birthday, the day mama went back to work. Nap time was a challenge for a few days, but now that they are four months into it, the three of them are comfortable with the routine.
 
The couple seems very at ease with their roles as parents. Most of Alice's immediate family is in town and Jordan has two family members here. Grandma helps out with babysitting occasionally, but they both admit that they are homebodies who do not feel much need to go out alone. Alice says that she has really had to limit her evening activities since if she went out after work she would not see her daughter all day. (She was envious that I had to make our appointment later in the evening because I was going to yoga that afternoon - she hasn't taken yoga classes since maternity leave ended)
 
I asked if the two get jealous of each other's roles. Alice said that earlier that same day, on the way home from work, she saw some moms with strollers at the library. She did feel a sense of "I'm ready for mat leave again!" to have more time with her daughter. She is sometimes jealous of her still-sleeping daughter and (occasionally only) sleeping husband when she is leaving for work in the morning, but turns to Jordan and says that he is good at sending messages through the day with updates of what they have done and photos to help show their antics.
 
Jordan seems content, though being educated in computer programming, he expressed a vague desire to work outside the home, possibly even at the IT company where Alice is working in administration. He appreciates the security and increase in hours that a full-time job would afford.
 
When I asked if it took time for their egos to adjust to their roles, they both said that it has not been an issue. Listening to their experiences and the people they are surrounded by socially (who all have similar or equally nontraditional arrangements), it sounds like there really has not been much conflict or adversity from any source.
 
When I asked for any other comments or enlightenments that they have had over the months, Jordan pointed out that he sees some women who attend groups to seek out mom community, but he does not feel the need to do the same. He wonders if men in general are not as likely to join or attend parent groups, but then decides to make a statement only about his own preferences. He says that he does go to groups to give Lottie a chance to socialize and be around other children. He also says that he is having a lot of fun and is glad that he can be a full-time dad now, and that we have come along enough as a society that the detached, uninvolved father of generations ago is no longer the norm.

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