Parent Profile

David Sudbury - A veteran papa reflects on his discipline techniques of the early years

Father's Day is right around the corner, so we have a Papa Profile today. Our resident Papa Steve has been friends with Papa David for nearly 20 years. David and Fiona's daughter Robin is now in university, but David remembers the early years - both the challenges and the coping mechanisms - well. We asked him to share some tips on raising your wee ones.

How much time did you spend with Robin when she was a baby and toddler?
We lived in Dundas, Ontario, near McMaster University when Robin was born. Fiona and I were entirely busy, Fiona as master's nursing student and me as a young software executive. Consequently, as a baby, 0-1 years, Robin was cared for by Fiona. Once Robin was 1 she spent 2-3 hours a day with a marvelous Italian woman who only cared for and loved young babies. Then at 2 years old she started to go to day care for 3-5 hours a day, first at McMaster University and then when we moved to Victoria at various day cares in town. So really, because Robin just thrived being with other kids, neither Fiona nor I spent "all day every day" with Robin as a toddler.
 
Were you the main caregiver?
Once we started living in Victoria my schedule afforded me the ability to drop off and pick up Robin. But, Robin being Robin and being a girl, she was completely Fiona's child. No matter what cooing and cuddling I might provide, Robin wanted mommy for emotional support and "first hugs" at greetings.  This mommy focus must be separated from the physical aspects of "care." In this respect, food preparation, hygiene, reading and other stimulations where provided by each of us pretty equally. The mommy focus began to balance out once she started school. I continued to walk Robin to and from school until she went to university.
 
What was your discipline style?
First of all, make the discipline match the child's developmental stage and, when confronted with behaviour that requires intervention, try to let the more rational of the two parents intervene.
 
Fiona and I have a "take no prisoners" approach. We simple would not tolerate rational, wilful, inappropriate, mindless behaviour. We wouldn't even have to talk about it; a simple look was enough to initiate intervention.
 
Now we know that Robin simply was a dream child - so different from what I remember of my own behaviour growing up. So the number of times we needed to discipline, I can count on my hand.
 
Did you use "punishment" or a different approach?
Yes, absolutely I used punishment. We both were unwavering when dealing with rational wilful inappropriate behaviour. Now, once again Robin simply was a dream child, wilful inappropriate, wilful mindless behaviour was actually rare. So perhaps I am not the best person to provide advice!!
 
But if we are talking about toddlers, and pre-schoolers then it was really more about dealing with outburst and temper tantrums. These things are not punishable offences are they? I mean what's the point of punishing someone who is still "burning in their circuits" and figuring themselves and the world out, including emotions and control.
 
In the case of a tantrum, what we would do is separate Robin from the family unit or social situation. Not isolate her, but, for example, if she blew up at the dinner table then we would simply move her chair back from the table. Then we would employ all our self control to ignore her until she settled down.
 
Once her tantrum was done, we would ask her if she would like to go to her room and "reflect" on her behaviour. Certainly she didn't know what reflection was, but she instantly got the idea that she could go to her room and settle down. Sometimes she would have a little cry or a little sleep before coming back to us as her usual self. We always left it to her to decide when she wanted to rejoin the family unit.
 
As for letting the more rational of the two parents intervene, I have to add that, boy, did I lose it from time to time when Robin was 7-15. I finally was able to confront my own demons about my childhood and how I was raised and realize where my anger was coming from. Robin was quite understanding and forgiving when I explained myself to her.
 
What about when you were in public; did you change your technique? Did you and Fiona take turns being the "bad cop" or were you both equals in your roles?
Public displays of inappropriate behaviour were not tolerated. If I or Fiona were by ourselves and HAD to complete a transaction, say at dinner at a restaurant or at a store, then we would maintain a stony silence and get Robin out of there ASAP.
If we did not have to complete a transaction, then without comment, without warning, one of us would simply remove Robin from the restaurant or shop. Zero tolerance. There was simply no way either of us would engage in some mindless public discussion with Robin when she was being a little you-know-what. Sometimes we would both just leave.
 
Discussion with Robin about the event was based on whether or not Robin was able to discern what she did. As she got older we certainly discussed it with her.
 
How did you help Robin deal with her frustration or anger when she had it? Did you teach her any techniques for expressing it in a safe, effective way (for her and everyone else) rather than just tell her she is not allowed to yell or hit? That is, did you teach her a way to express it and deal with it rather than just suppress it?
Well, again Robin was a quick study. She saw Fiona and me work through our own frustrations and figured out how to do it from observation. It would never occur to her that hitting was an option; she never saw this behaviour.
 
However, she did see me "blow up" verbally. She also saw and heard Fiona say to me "Go for a bike ride, you are just impossible to deal with...."
 
As a young girl she also saw me learn to deal with my frustrations in a more appropriate way.
 
Do you have any other comments for parents about discipline or modeling behaviour?
Ignore their behaviour and or physically intervene if they are going to cause damage.
Avoid any verbal discussion with the child - it is so totally pointless until they are older.
 
However, this all being said, if the kid is simply reaching out for a candy? Well, I mean so what. Let her take it and then buy some more stuff at the store to cover the 5 cent cost of the candy.

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