Parent Profile

Melanie and Malcolm share a home, a family and a business

Melanie Nelson and Malcolm Clark co-own U Retreat (www.uretreat.ca), a spa located on their property that they designed and created with the help of a tradesman. Each of the pair runs a business out of the same space. Melanie offers aesthetics and will soon be teaching at the West Coast College of Massage Therapy and Malcolm is a master at bodywork and teaches Tai Chi. in various locations They also have a 5-year-old son, Sascha, and a 2 1/2- year-old, Oliver, who they take turns parenting when they are not at work in the spa.

The couple started sharing work space in 2002 and went through three different locations before achieving their dream current one, including the room in the basement of their house where Oliver was born! As the physical space changed and children entered the equation, the working relationship transformed and had to become more accurate with communication that was more descriptive.

Initially the change between working persona and private persona was easy to manage, but once there was one and then two kids to care for, they could no longer have a lose work day that switched between an appointment with a client, then two hours with the kids while the other person had a client, then back to the quiet of the spa for another treatment and silence again. I once walked from the spa, after a treatment, into the kitchen to wait for Steve, and Melanie warned me of the difference between the two worlds. When I walked into the two-toddler-induced noisy, messy, post-meal room (this was while still pregnant and inexperienced in the energy level of young kids like this), I saw what she meant immediately!

Now the two have the week split into full and half work days and parenting days so that they can be and stay in one mode for the entire day. This change has been one of the most important ones for them in order to make their business and family work.

When I asked if they have been able to take what they have learned from parenting into the workplace,  Malcolm said that his level of patience and understanding is much higher now, but both of them said that the place where parenting has given them the most benefit has been in the social realm.

Malcolm points out that if you do not have kids, it is very difficult to fit in, to be accepted, or to even be acknowledged. With kids, you have an instant bond, shared experiences, and knowing sympathies. Though, of course it depends on the generation. The older generations, he senses, look at him as if he is "giving mom a break." He feels that fathers are fully capable of nurturing their children and is seeing more acceptance and slowly seeing more men taking an active part in their children's lives. He points out that it is both a matter of "men coming to terms with it and embracing it, and letting women let men do that." We talked about the guilt and the expectations on women as mothers, but also the control issues or standards many of us mothers have with allowing the men to do things themselves. (Which, of course, are a product of social pressures to be and look perfect.) What is really more important, that our kids' clothes match and their face is spotless of food and dirt, or that they are out the door, out of the house and at the park with dad?

Melanie also agrees that parenting has impacted her socially by pushing her into being more social. When Sascha was born, she found she had to force herself out more than she usually would. It was interesting to hear the two interpretations of the same experience. While Malcolm is more naturally social and found the social aspect to be exactly what he had been looking for, Melanie, a more reserved person, found the push out of her comfort zone was not what she had hoped for but ended up being what she needed.

As parents, the couple knew that they had a clear goal of creating a mutual respect with their kids, a two-way communication channel that does not just involve the adult saying, "Because I said so" or "That's just the way it is." In their quest for parenting skills, they have consulted books and other outside resources, but feel that the bulk of their parenting comes from experience and instincts. While books are good for discovering why their child is acting the way he is, they only use others' knowledge when it fits with their own values and as tools to help them stay true to their parenting and family goal.

Melanie says, "It took me a while to use my own instincts. I did not trust them at first, but after parenting for five years, I really trust my own instincts and I know what's right for my kids." She now feels confident in dealing with other children on the playground when any kids are having trouble.

When I asked them what advice they would give other parents, they said that the most important two things are communicating your needs to your partner, being heard and hearing, and not being afraid to call your partner on something they did as a parent that you do not agree with. Both Melanie and Malcolm stress to not do this in front of the kids. Malcolm says that anything that creates a power struggle that they see will come back to haunt you in the future and he says to not create that dynamic in front of your child at any age.

With hardworking parents and a business-minded couple like Melanie and Malcolm, I look forward to seeing the confident, competent and compassionate people that Sascha and Oliver become.

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