Watch Your Language!

The importance of language etiquette when it comes to kids - especially other people's kids!
 
Being a writer and copyeditor, I'm prone to nitpicking when it comes to the written word. It's not just in my job description, it is my job description. I'm usually pretty relaxed when it comes to spoken language, as we don't have time to edit ourselves when we speak.  (There is, though, a list of expressions that drive me nuts. I have always hated being told to "Have a good one" and to have "no worries" after I thank someone, and short forms of any word make me cringe. I don't even eat "veggies;" they are "vegetables" to me. Yep, I'm a bit sensitive to language.)
 
Once you have a baby, a whole new world opens up to you, and I discovered that a new world of language habits, many of them unconscious I think, come along with it. First of all, my daughter's name is Natasha. I do not know anyone named "Nat" or "Natty," which people started to call her before she was even born. While she is welcome to call herself whatever she wants when she is older, I do not encourage or condone the use of this nickname. As another mom said about her daughter's name being nick-ed, "Why would you ruin a perfectly dignified name by changing it like that?"
 
Next is a strange thing that I noticed as soon as people started meeting Natasha back when she was a newborn. I was always asked, "Is she good?" The first time I was asked this, I was taken off guard and replied yes without having time to really think about it. I know that the questions means, "Does she cry much?" but it is such a terrible way to phrase it and just a horrible question to ask. One elderly woman asked me this when she saw me with Natasha on the sidewalk. I had decided to just say yes to this question when it is asked rather than point out the semantic implications of it. Fortunately, her husband did it for me. He said that all babies are good. I was so glad to hear him say it, especially coming from a man in his 70s.
 
The question and the phrasing implies that your baby might not be "good." I sometimes wondered how people expected me to answer this question. What would happen if I said, "No, not really. She's a pretty bad baby..." But then I found myself tempted to use the same language, saying that she was "really good" when she went through some experience and handled it well and did not cry or get upset when I thought that she might. It shows how embedded certain cultural expectations and phrasing are in our psyches.
 
Another thing that surprised me when we were introducing Natasha to people for the first time was that they asked each other if they should start telling us teenager horror stories or told us (and still do now that she is almost 2), "Just wait until she's a teenager." First of all, I think I'll wait to think about the teenage years until I can stop using fractions of years when telling people her age.
 
Second of all, teenagers are not, by definition, evil, disobedient, trouble or scary. You'd think that these people were raising drug addicted, alcoholic criminals to hear them talk about their kids. The teenaged daughters and sons who I know of these friends are fine, polite, law abiding, good-grade-attaining individuals who really don't deserve the discredit and imprinting their parents are giving them.

And I don't really want Natasha to grow up hearing about "when she's a teenager" as if she is going to magically change when she hits 13 and be this "other" being that is not who she is now. I don't want to give the mythology of teenage-hood any more fuel than it already has through stereotypes and silly movie or TV characters. I don't want to put any expectations on her or on myself and how our lives will change on a specific date of her life. Especially when what she is hearing is negative.
 
Being aware of these kinds of things when people talk to or about my child, I try to be aware of how I talk to and about other people's wee ones. I ask if a new baby is "easy or fussy", fussy being the new term for "colicky" (read Harvey Karp's book The Happiest Baby on the Block for a lengthy explanation of this change and debunking of the myth of colic) and try not to comment on how the fist year "goes so fast" (remember how many times you heard this and how trite it becomes?).

And when talking about behaviour or personality traits in kids that we adults find challenging, I try to be particular and specific about what word I use. No one really wants people calling their child "challenging" or "difficult." If you stop yourself from using words with negative connotations, you force yourself to see beyond the immediate and really think about what the behaviour is saying about this individual. So someone who is not "easy" or mellow, I have realized is "intense" and "sensitive." We see children who are strong willed and determined and who can butt heads with adults without backing down. Once we start re-labelling what we name kids and rephrase our projections or observations, we not only treat them with more respect and dignity, we also reframe the traits as those that are easier to identify with and it becomes easier to see into the future and imagine how this strong willed, no-holding-back 2 year old will grow up to be a great leader and even parent.
 
So next time you meet a new baby or want to comment on a child you see at the playground, make sure you think about what you say, choose your words wisely, and keep in mind that these guys are just kids. Cut them (and their parents) some slack, but also grant them the same amount of respect when talking about them that you would an adult.

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